How to hold a beer while riding a Harley...

WARNING!...TROOPERS JOKES..MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOUNG-INS AND THE TENDER AT HEART

Alan Benoit sends this in for your digesting. BB

How to hold a beer while riding a Harley...

**************************************************************

Ouch!!! Damn that hurts, a lesson from Joe Birindelli. BB

If this one doesn't make you smile, there is no hope for you.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother! Women are so much better at financial planning than men

**************************************************************

Heres one from Tom Heckman you'll all enjoy. BB

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. Then the teacher realized only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sharon.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Muslim terrorists.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last terrorist with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.'

**************************************************************

Here's one Sent in by Wayne Paddack. BB

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

**************************************************************

Bill Bowker sent in a good one. BB

Sorry to tell you this, but....

Please note ..After March , I will no longer be sending

e-mails. Thanks to the Post Office I am now going back to

licking stamps.....

source
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK2.htm

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

June 2010 - Week 2

Hunting Experiance

WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. JOKES MAY CONTAIN NUDITY, SWEARING, AND MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE BY SOME.

---

Grouchey gets us started this week with this unexpected turn of events. BB

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently..

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.

********************************************************************

Fred Currier shares this great Blonde Joke . BB

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde
declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of
alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing
waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching
in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

********************************************************************

Heres an Indian culture joke sent in by Alan Benoit. BB

 This is  mythical and deep ... Just beautiful  ...
A  man asked an American Indian what was his wife's  name.










He  replied, "She called Four Horses".








The  man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The  Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It  mean...









NAG,  NAG, NAG, NAG!" 

********************************************************************

Heres one from Smokey!.BB

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the Church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."

********************************************************************

Terry Valentine has found a prime example of Courage!. BB

What is the meaning of courage?



Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?



Is it standing up to a bully you know is going to kick your ass?



Is it to fly a fighter in combat?



Is it to practice free falling parachuting?



Is it to insult your boss?



Is it asking a lady to dance you know will say ..'NO'...?



Is it getting on a football field weighing 150lb's and

everyone else weighs 300..?



Is it stopping a bullet meant for prez..?



Is it recovering from a nasty divorce..?



Is it waking up a quadriplegic..?




Bullshit........those are nothing!

*************************************
 source



THIS IS COURAGE!

********************************************************************

Thanks to Don kalahar for this Hunting Experiance! BB

********************************************************************

I like this one from Rob Ferguson. The only thing I would add to it is a "Pause" Button. BB

that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling
better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy
your retirement and collect your pension. They when you start work,
you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years until
you are too young to work. You get ready for high school; drink
alcohol, party, and your are generally promiscuous. Then you go toMbr> primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then...
you spend your last nine month floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then.
You finish off as an orgasm.

I REST MY CASE

********************************************************************

Thanks to Jeff Kramer for this one. BB

REDNECK FIRE ALARM

You never have to change the batteries!!! I'm putting one in every room! Safety First!

BB: You can also munch on popcorn while watching the fire....

********************************************************************

Thanks to Jeff Kramer for this two for one. BB

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
In the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
And a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have time to crochet…

********************************************************************

HAVE YOU HEARD?
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

***********************************

source

http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK4.htm

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

April 2010 - Week 4