Ain't it the Truth?!!

WARNING!! TROOPER JOKE AREA - SOME OF THEM ARE VERY EXPLICIT!

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Heres one from Smokey to get us started. BB

Ain't it the Truth?!!

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Alan Benoit is asking each of us a personal favor. BB

How the world works lately!!

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company..

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are Brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a Deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates.

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This one from Bill Bowker makes sense to me. BB

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. Please send this to a few of your old friends that still remember how to read.

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This one from John Conley hits below the waist. BB

Scotch and water and getting old

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up!' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up!' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole 'nother issue.'

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'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'and you answer 'Pick one. I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are jokes.

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Wayne Paddack on how to get on America's funniest Videos. BB

The Fairytale Wedding ..................

You have just walked out of the church after your delightful wedding ceremony and on the church steps, both your families are applauding you with a hundred friends gathered around.

The photographer raises his camera and following your family's tradition, both of you are holding beautiful live white doves which you will release together.

Bride and groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove gently held in both hands as everyone eagerly awaits the climax of your marriage vows.

The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the sky and release the doves as a symbol of your eternal love.

Not a dry eye anywhere, such a moving sight, the camera flashes and the moment is captured for all eternity..............

Scroll down........................

Wedding Gown £2,500. Photographer £2,000. Vintage Rolls Royce £1,000. Having 'the twins' pop out and say CHEESE in front of your family and friends ... PRICELESS

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

November 2009 - Week 1

Cavalry vehicle overrun by Rita

WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. JOKES MAY CONTAIN NUDITY, SWEARING, AND MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE BY SOME.

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There's a good chance troopers, that John Conley is entering his second childhood. BB<

Sylvester & Tweety

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety. 
(wait for it. It's  worth it)...       AFTER Tweety is  caught, scroll down.....





      



    


































This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2  seconds       -         there's hope for you
2-5 seconds        -         having a bad day?
5-10 seconds     -          are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds    -          remedial classes  are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds   -            it is recommended that you don't  breed.
30 sec-1 min     -           you probably can't read this anyway, So why  bother?
1-2 min              -         the equivalent of the  average house plant
2-5 min              -         Good  afternoon  Jessica Simpson  
5 min -1 hr          -         Dead people score in this range
1 hr plus              -         Congratulations.  You have a negative IQ. To find out what your
prize is, watch Bugs until he finishes his carrot... 
HEY - DON'T BLAME ME...YOU SHOULD KNOW SYLVESTER NEVER CATCHES TWEETY.  Now go on and forward it
to another of your unsuspecting friends.  You know you want to!

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Haven't heard from Bill Bowker in some time. Sounds like Bill has finally reached the "tender age" BB

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs'
and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them. Please send this to a few of your old friends that still remember how to read.

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Damn Smokey, Where do I send my money!! BB

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that..."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

I wonder if this is a true story? BB

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Thanks to Alan Benoit for this Thought....

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Have you ever wondered if the bills In your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..

So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money

That's my public service announcement for the day. Thank you very much!

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Thanks to Jeff Kramer, I may never eat Pumpkin Pie again....

How Pumpkin Pie is made!...

Just in time for Thanksgiving....................................

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Heres a "horny" one from Karl Listl. (Where in the hell do you people get these from? BB

Question for our Executive President and I believe "retired Legal Eagle". It was forwarded to me by my niece.

Here's a legal question:

Is this statutory rape???........or just a monumental mistake? (font color-green>And now a word of Defense from the Moose!

I want to thank the designer and sculptor of this beauty....It sure had me fooled!!
Mr. Moose is awaiting a decision from the court as to his future plans. BB

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Heres a heads up from Wayne Paddack.

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once," the woman replied.

"Well, how did he look?" coaxed the psychiatrist.

"Very angry," she answered.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Tell me, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was outside, looking through the window at us." You never know where Mr. Moose will show up.

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Heres a nice one from Fred currier

Cavalry vehicle overrun by Rita

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

November 2009 - Week 4

but can you tell what's wrong in this Photo??

Warning!!! CAVALRY TROOPER JOKES. NOT FOR THE INNOCENT OR MEEK OF HEART

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It took the sharp eyes of an old huey pilot, Karl Listl, to spot this "imPROPER" starting method. BB

Hand Prop

This photo is absolutely incredible...

but can you tell what's wrong in this Photo??

Yep, guess you spotted it, too.

She's trying to prop an aircraft, without chocking the wheels..!!

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Now if you missed the first one, here is another chance sent in by Alan Benoit .BB

Look at the picture below very carefully

Have you noticed the girl in the background?

Noticed her behind?

Well look at the picture carefully!

if your answer is YES then report to the Dispensery right away!!!

What you see is the shoulder of the girl taking the picture!!!

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Heres an interesting tidbit from Tom Witter. BB

Behold the fisherman.
He riseth up early in the morning
And disturbeth the whole household.
Mighty are his preparations.
He goes forth full of hope,
And when the day is far spent
He returns.
Smelling of strong drink and the
Truth is not with him

Sorry your fishing trip did'nt turn out so good Tom. Maybe next time we could get a picture? BB

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Tony Moscicki sends in the idea of the week. BB

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress..

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did.... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now tell him you have a headache."

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Wayne Paddack sends us this interesting article. BB

So, this bird walks into a store...... Manistee , MI

A seagull in Manistee, Mi has developed the habit of stealing Doritos from a neighborhood convenience store.

The seagull waits until the Manager isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Manistee , MI , and helped himself to a bag of Doritos. Since then, he's become a regular, and he always takes the same type of chips.

The Manager thinks it's great because people are coming to watch the feathered thief make the daily grab and run, and that's good for business, and especially since customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of Doritos because they think it's so funny.

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

November 2009 - Week 3

Just a Reminder..... Summer is Over

WARNING!! TROOPERS JOKES - Some of these may not be pleasant for the young or weak of heart.

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Oh My God!! What follows are some very vivid scenes of a bear attacking a man sent in by alan Benoit. You may not want to let the kids look at this one! BB

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This is a joke....right? sent in by Tony Moscicki

Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes.

The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and startsflipping through family photos and reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now."

The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

The first mother says, "He's a martyr now."

"Oh, that's so sad, my dear."

Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr."

"Oh gracious me!" says the second mother.

"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18 this year.

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mther looks wistfully at the photos. gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says:

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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Joe Birindelli is in a state of Depression.BB

Just a Reminder.

Summer is Over

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Here a grim reminder from Rob Ferguson of how times are really getting rough.BB

I RECEIVED A PRE-DECLINED CREDIT CARD OFFER

AT MCDONALDS I ORDERED A BURGER AN FRIES, THEY ASKED IF I HAD PROOF I COULD AFFORD THE FRIES

HOT WHEELS AND MATCHBOX ARE SELLING MORE CARS THAN GM

EXXON-MOBIL HAD TO LAYOFF 25 CONGRESSMEN

DICK CHENEY TOOK HIS STOCKBROKER HUNTING

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

November 2009 - Week 2

a few inspirational poster from o'le Grouchy

WARNING!! TROOPER JOKE AREA - SOME OF THEM ARE VERY EXPLICIT!

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Heres one from Danny Horn to get us started. BB

A teacher decided to test the thinking power and tastebuds of his class.

He divided lifesavers by color and handed them out to the kids.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red hole.....................Cherry

Yellow hole................Lemon

Green hole..................Lime

Orange hole...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all tan HONEY flavored lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room for awhile!

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Here are a few inspirational poster from o'le Grouchy. BB

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This is an old one that's been updated - sent in by Carl Bell. BB

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear " the rules" From the female side....

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

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Tony Moscicki sends us this new item on the market. BB

Stanley has just released a new tape measure that will take the industry by storm

While at first look it seems like a regular tape measure the finite measurement capability is unmatched (See Below)

So next time your buddy tells you to "move it a cunthair to the left" you won't have to guess!!

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.Now this is why they made guys like Dave Sneavely Officers instead of Enlisted Men. BB

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to china.

If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer, or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !!

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

November 2009 - Week 1