So I did.......

WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. JOKES MAY CONTAIN NUDITY, SWEARING, AND MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE BY SOME.

---

Tony Mosciki certainly has a good heart. I hope your feeling better Tony.

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling my old pastor, Father DAN, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out.....reach out and touch this person!'

So I did.......

I won't be at Mass this week.

********************************************************************

Here are some quicky jokes sent in by Alan Bonoit

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

********************************************************************

Here's a sure bet from Danny Horn

YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THIS EVEN IF YOU NEVER OWNED A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A few thoughts on cat baths...by...the Cat:

'But You Said You Loved Me!'

'You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay.'

'You call this water warm???'

'I don't think I like you anymore.'

'You Lied !!!!!!'

'E. T. Phone home......quick!

'No, I'm not your Good Little Kitty anymore.'

'Traction....I'm losing Traction!'

'I want my Mommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!'

'No, no, no, no.....NOOOO!!!!'

********************************************************************

Here's one of those weird ones from John Vanerio

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something..

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And my all time favorite-
****************************
source

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

September 2009 - Week 4

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light , would your headlights work?

********************************************************************

David Snavely's been there.....Done that!!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and Three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j * B?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... He knew better..

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen Who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said , "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and Passed by a store that sold a Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of Her after receiving looks of disgust And annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and Said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as The door closed behind me, Were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training And I was on him constantly One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch In between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, And she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, And I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, Because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, In the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, Turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

.....just go back inside, have another cup of coffee, and stay home

Warning!!! CAVALRY TROOPER JOKES. NOT FOR THE INNOCENT OR MEEK OF HEART

---

Danny Horn gets us started the week. BB

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package On the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

********************************************************

Tom Heckman threw this one in the ring .BB

The Lone Ranger & Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'m

'You dumber than buffalo shit kemo sabi. It means someone stole our tent. '

********************************************************

Yuppers You all Qualify. Da Bald Guy!!!(That stands for Gary Chenett for those of you just joining us.BB

GEEZER PRIDE!!!!

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only geezer receiving it.
Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called as you will see....

'Geezers' are easy to spot: At sporting events, during the playing of the Star Spangled BANNER. Old Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old Geezers remember the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor , Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War 1950-55, The Cold War, the jet age and the moon landing, the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005 the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam .

If you bump into an Old Geezer On the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady.. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies or in e-mails.

Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.

It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values.
We need them now more than ever.

********************************************************

What a jolt. To learn after all these years that I've been doing it wrong. Thanks to Dr. Quentin Ciolfi for this send in.BB

How might different military services handle the situation once they encountered a snake in their Area of Operations (AO).....

INFANTRY:
Snake smells them, leaves area.

AIRBORNE:
Lands on and kills the snake.

ARMOR:
Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

AVIATION:
Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from Global Positioning Satellite (GPS). FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rests, and manicures.

RANGER:
Plays with snake, then eats it.

FIELD ARTILLERY:
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (including cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

SPECIAL FORCES:
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.

COMBAT ENGINEER:
Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure five series field manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

NAVY SEAL:
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.

NAVY:
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

MARINE:
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

MARINE RECON:
Follows snake, gets lost.

COMBAT CONTROLLERS:
Guides snake elsewhere.

PARA-RESCUE JUMPER:
Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

SUPPLY:
(NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is back ordered.)

TRANSPORT PILOT:
Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.

F-15 PILOT:
Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.

F-16 PILOT:
Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.

AH-64 APACHE HELICOPTER PILOT:
Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power lines or SAMs.

UH-60 BLACKHAWK HELICOPTER PILOT:
Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

B-52 PILOT:
Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

MISSILE CREW:
Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.

INTELLIGENCE OFFICER:
Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL (JAG):
Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

WONDER what the CHAPLAIN CORPS would do?? Mistake it for a rosary????

********************************************************

Rob Ferguson knows a bad sign when he sees it.BB

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky......

......just go back inside, have another cup of coffee, and stay home. It's NOT going to be a good day.

********************************************************

Here's a neat one passed on by the RAO Bulletin.BB

A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their 'Older Person Friendly' policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
''Well good, you are a team player.. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late.. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
''They said, 'Good morning, General. Coffee this morning, sir?''

********************************************************

source

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

September 2009 - Week 3

Tranh Cãi Về Cái Mông

Đức Hà
OneViet.com

Dường như thành phố nào cũng có vấn đề riêng tây, mỗi nơi một vẻ, chẳng ai kém ai. Chẳng hạn Antioch có vụ bắt cóc bé gái 18 năm mới bị phát hiện, Annie Lê ở trường Yale Connecticut bị giết thảm thương, thành phố ta có vụ tranh cãi về danh xưng một khu phố nhỏ gây xáo trộn suốt năm qua thế còn ở Silt, bang Colorado cũng có vấn đề gây mất đoàn kết tuy rằng chỉ thuần túy mang tính nghệ thuật.
Câu chuyện khởi đi từ yêu cầu của một thành phố nhỏ với không đầy 2,000 cư dân ở Colorado, muốn dựng một tượng đài để ngợi ca vẻ đẹp thiên nhiên của địa phương, các loài thú và đặc biệt sức dẻo dai cùng ngoại hình thon gọn của người leo núi. Đó là thị trấn Silt, năm cách Denver 185 miles về phía tây, cửa ngỏ của nhiều thể loại thể thao ngoài trời từ săn bắn, câu cá, chèo thuyền vượt sóng, trượt tuyết, trượt băng, cắm trại, du hành dã ngoại và dĩ nhiên cả leo núi. Người ta không hiểu tại sao hội đồng thành phố dứt khoát chọn dựng tượng đá trong đó có người leo núi (chắc lại vi phạm luật Brown Bag) mà không là các môn thể thao khác. Thông báo về đề tài dự thi được phổ biến rộng rãi, nhiều đề án (trên 30) được nộp và cuối cùng bản vẽ của nhà điêu khắc Blaine Peters trúng tuyển với số phiếu thuận tuyệt đối. Theo trang nhà của Silt, ông Blaine Peters hoạt động trong ngành điêu khắc trên đá từ 26 năm nay, và có tác phẩm triển lãm tận Châu Âu lẫn Châu Phi. Tác phẩm được hình thành từ một khung sườn thép, phủ chất styrofoam và sau cùng đổ bê-tông cân nặng 10,000 pounds được cẩu đến đặt tại bùng binh mới thiết kế ở trung tâm thành phố, gần phố chính và xa lộ I-70. Trên bốn mặt của tảng đá khổng lồ, điêu khắc gia Peters tạc hình tượng của một con beo, nai, gấu, diệc, ó, hưu, một xe đẩy than đá, một người câu cá và một leo núi. Nếu mấy hình tượng kia không có gì đáng bàn thì người leo núi trở thành vấn đề tranh cãi suốt.

Khánh Thành

Cuối cùng tượng đài được tưng bừng và hoan hỉ khai trương ngày 21 tháng Tám vừa qua dưới sự chứng kiến của toàn bộ lãnh đạo thành phố cùng cư dân địa phương. Khi miếng vải được kéo xuống để lộ tượng đá thì cũng là lúc để các cuộc tranh cãi bột phát dữ dội tại thị trấn với không đầy 650 căn hộ mà từ bao đời nay chỉ có nghe tiếng gió hú và chim hót. Người ta thắc mắc là tại sao người leo núi lại không một mảnh vải che thân, và vì đang leo và áp sát vào núi nên người nọ đưa nguyên cái bàn tọa tròn trịa rắn chắc ra cho bà con chiêm ngưỡng. Cái “butt” và đường nứt “cracks” giữa hai bờ mông trở thành đề tài chế riễu, đàm tiếu, phê phán, chỉ trích và cả … ngợi khen. Ông điêu khắc thì nhất mực xác quyết rằng khi đệ trình bản vẽ dự thi, được thông qua và trúng giải đều đã có đầy đủ mông và nứt.
Trả lời phỏng vấn của truyền thông địa phương, ông nói:
“Điều lạ lùng là không ai thắc mắc về tượng đá không có tai, không miệng, không bàn tay, không bàn chân, mà chỉ chú mục vào cái đó. Tôi cố tình tạc một hình tượng không phải nam hay nữ mà chỉ là thân hình một con người ở trạng thái thô sơ nhất đang trèo núi.”
Ít ra cũng có một cư dân Silt đang vận động bãi nhiệm tượng đài trong khi phần đông phát biểu ý kiến rằng họ thích tượng đá nhưng phải bỏ cái mông với đường nứt đi. Người to tiếng bày tỏ sự khó chịu nói rằng cái mông chẳng thành vấn đề - đại khái có ý nói đó là chuyện nhỏ, và chuyện lớn là đường rảnh giữa hai mông là điều xúc phạm mắt người qua lại. Trong khi lời qua tiếng lại đang ầm ĩ, học sinh vừa mới khai trường cũng có dịp gặp gỡ để thì thầm vào tai nhau những điều chẳng ai nghe được, thì không hiểu một kẻ bí mật nào đó đã lén lúc nào không ai hay dùng một mảnh vải trông giống chiếc xà-lỏn che chắn lên phần phía sau của người leo núi. Ngay sau đó nhân viên thành phố đã đến gỡ bỏ mảnh vải nhỏ và bắt đầu mở cuộc điều tra. Theo quy định của thành phố bất cứ một hành động nào có liên hệ đến cơ sở nhà nước đều có thể bị xem là phá hoại hay làm xấu một công trình văn hóa.

Nổ Lớn

Thị Trưởng Dave Moore, tuy không muốn tranh cãi với cư dân thành phố nhưng cũng nhìn sự kiện ở khía cạnh tích cực. Ông nhìn nhận:
“Đó chỉ là thể hiện nghệ thuật của một nghệ nhân, tuy rằng có hơi quá nhạy cảm.”
Chỉ bốn ngày sau khi tượng đá được khai trương thì ngày 24, một cư dân đã lên tiếng phản đối trước phiên họp của hội đồng thành phố, nhưng không được sự đáp ứng nhiệt tình cho lắm. Thành phô chỉ yêu cầu người công dân tốt đó cần phải thu thập chữ ký của cư dân thành phố (càng nhiều càng tốt, bất kể thuộc sắc dân nào) thì đơn sẽ được cứu xét. Không rõ ông này có hăm tuyệt thực hay không, nhưng hứa sẽ thu thập chữ ký của toàn thành phố. Tuy nhiên điều đáng quan ngại là tình hình có thể bùng nổ lớn hơn nữa nếu không dàn xếp kịp thời. Thị Trưởng thành phố Rifle, nằm về phía tây Silt nhận xét:
“Họ (thành phố Silt) cho tượng đá đưa mông về phía chúng tôi, thế thử hỏi Glenwood nằm về phía đông Silt được hưởng món gì.”
Cho đến nay không ai xác định được tượng đá là nam hay nữ, do đó nếu xoay ngược được người leo núi ra phía ngoài hay chẳng may tượng đá leo núi sút tay bổ nhào xuống đất nằm ngửa chình ình ra giữa thanh thiên bạch nhật thì người hiếu kỳ sẽ thấy cái gì.
Câu hỏi chưa có giải đáp.

*********************

source

One Viet

Guess what cup size?

WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. JOKES MAY CONTAIN NUDITY, SWEARING, AND MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE BY SOME.

---

Here's one from Karl Listl.

********************************************************************

This one sent in by Tony Mosckcki had me guessing for awhile.

Guess what cup size?

Okay, what did you guess?   

Is it a 34B, 36C,....or what?






The truth  revealed.......... 

Scroll down 









This kid's gonna hate his Mom 
For this someday!










Isn't this  cute!

MADE YOU SMILE DIDN'T  IT?

That's all I wanted to  do...

********************************************************************

Now we hear from David Snavely.

Some Old/Some New.

********************************************************************

This one comes from Smokey Guillespie.

To all of us "old timers" and "soon to be old timers" as well as Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart..

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is".

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS...................... But I was wrong, too!"

********************************************************************

Here you go fellows, we could probably all take a few hints from these. BB

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news. <> 10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(I sent this in large type so you all can read it)

********************************************************************

I received this from someone annonimus. BB

: ALERT!

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu............

Ignore it. It's just Spam!

********************************************************************

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

********************************************************************

source

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

August 2009 - Week 4