Warning!!! CAVALRY TROOPER JOKES. NOT FOR THE INNOCENT OR MEEK OF HEART
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package On the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
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Tom Heckman threw this one in the ring .BB
The Lone Ranger & Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'m
'You dumber than buffalo shit kemo sabi. It means someone stole our tent. '
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Yuppers You all Qualify. Da Bald Guy!!!(That stands for Gary Chenett for those of you just joining us.BB
GEEZER PRIDE!!!!
I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only geezer receiving it.
Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called as you will see....
'Geezers' are easy to spot: At sporting events, during the playing of the Star Spangled BANNER. Old Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor , Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War 1950-55, The Cold War, the jet age and the moon landing, the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005 the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam .
If you bump into an Old Geezer On the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady.. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth on TV or in movies or in e-mails.
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
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What a jolt. To learn after all these years that I've been doing it wrong. Thanks to Dr. Quentin Ciolfi for this send in.BB
How might different military services handle the situation once they encountered a snake in their Area of Operations (AO).....
INFANTRY:
Snake smells them, leaves area.
AIRBORNE:
Lands on and kills the snake.
ARMOR:
Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
AVIATION:
Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from Global Positioning Satellite (GPS). FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rests, and manicures.
RANGER:
Plays with snake, then eats it.
FIELD ARTILLERY:
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (including cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
SPECIAL FORCES:
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.
COMBAT ENGINEER:
Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure five series field manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
NAVY SEAL:
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.
NAVY:
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
MARINE:
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
MARINE RECON:
Follows snake, gets lost.
COMBAT CONTROLLERS:
Guides snake elsewhere.
PARA-RESCUE JUMPER:
Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
SUPPLY:
(NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is back ordered.)
TRANSPORT PILOT:
Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.
F-15 PILOT:
Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.
F-16 PILOT:
Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.
AH-64 APACHE HELICOPTER PILOT:
Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power lines or SAMs.
UH-60 BLACKHAWK HELICOPTER PILOT:
Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
B-52 PILOT:
Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
MISSILE CREW:
Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.
INTELLIGENCE OFFICER:
Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL (JAG):
Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
WONDER what the CHAPLAIN CORPS would do?? Mistake it for a rosary????
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Rob Ferguson knows a bad sign when he sees it.BB
When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky......
......just go back inside, have another cup of coffee, and stay home. It's NOT going to be a good day.
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Here's a neat one passed on by the RAO Bulletin.BB
A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their 'Older Person Friendly' policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
''Well good, you are a team player.. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late.. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
''They said, 'Good morning, General. Coffee this morning, sir?''
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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
September 2009 - Week 3
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