Monday 25 January 2010

Fishing Quiz For The Masters – Not As Easy As It Looks

WARNING!! TROOPERS JOKES - Some of these may not be pleasant for the young or weak of heart.

Gary Chenett gets us started this week. BB

REDNECK OVERALLS

Just ask for the ' ARKANSAS CUT'

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...

"You know you're a redneck when......"

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of matching salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
*************************************************************************

Thanks to Alan Benoit for providing these explanations. BB

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so
that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy
into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller
pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead
of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable
screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL
:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
*************************************************************************

Heres one from Smokey that hits kinda close to home down here in Florida . BB

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, were living in Florida , and got
very Excited about their decision to get married.

They went for a stroll to Discuss the wedding, and on the way they
passed a drugstore. Jacob suggests They go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation? "

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely. "

Jacob: "How about suppositories? "

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's? "

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for

Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely. "

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion? "

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
**************************************************************

Jeff Kramer sent in this reminder of how cold it has been recently. BB

**************************************************************

Bill Bowker sends us this Native American Legend. BB

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called
him that anymore.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!
**************************************************************

Skip Bell sent us this very interesting Fishing quiz.Note: Questions 12
and 14 are missing. BB

No cheating, scroll down

I got 100% right

Test your knowledge of fishing....

Fishing Quiz For The Masters – Not As Easy As It Looks

Pass this quiz and consider yourself a Master Angler!

The Answers are all "d" ... how’d you do?
**************************************************************

Heres one from the RAO Bulletin. BB

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the
usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell,
and crew take you safely to Afghanistan’

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It 'The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

***************************
source

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

January 2010 - Week 5

Wednesday 20 January 2010

Just the kick start we need to get our day going!!!

WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. JOKES MAY CONTAIN NUDITY, SWEARING, AND MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE BY SOME.

I bet a few of you were wondering the same thing. Thanks to John Vanerio for providing the answer to this mystery. BB

Just the kick start we need to get our day going!!!







WHERE DO RED- HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She

can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your

wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have

contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be,

our families on both sides had jet-black hair

for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How

often do you have sex??? '





The man seemed a bit ashamed.. 'I've been working very

hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice

every few months.'






'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'

********************************************************************

Here's a neat one from Wayne Paddack. BB

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's an old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

********************************************************************

We haven't had a blond joke for awhile. Here's one from Jim Umphrey. BB

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again t o cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

********************************************************************

Thanks to Alan Benoit, we now understand... BB

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way!!!

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

(It also tells ya where their brain REALLY is!!!!!!)

********************************************************************

Thanks to Bill Bowker for sharing this great information. BB

Get used to it folk. This is the new TSA check in procedure at all airports starting Jan 1st 2010 !!!

I have already booked three trips! And I don't even know anyone in Dallas! SEE YA THERE! p>********************************************************************

Heres another idea to speed up check-in time sent in by Charles Murawski. BB

This should speed up those pesky security lines!

New Airport Check-in Attire:

This eliminates getting to the airport 2 hours early, but you still have to take off your shoes.

****************************************************
I think everyone is thinking about the same thing this week. Here's John Conley's Idea. BB
We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business!
We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !
Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.

AND, If a Muslim sees a naked woman he is obliged to commit suicide
*
source

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

January 2010 - Week 4

Sunday 10 January 2010

Thing you notice when your sixty

TROOPER JOKES - WARNING! SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE EXPLICIT!

Gary Chenett will also sell you a section of the Macinack Bridge.....cheap! BB

Most of you old guys didn't notice what was missing in this photo.

I guess because I am so much younger and have so much more vitality

I saw it instantly.

It must be rough being older.

I feel bad for you

Your much younger friend

Gary

Thing you notice when your sixty.

********************************************************

Thanks to Smokey for this bit of information.

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for
'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes..

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to
put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog !

********************************************************

I'd say that Alan Benoit devoted a lot of time for this input. BB

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm......
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ....
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

********************************************************

Now Jeff Kramer sent this one in and it makes a lot of sense to me. BB

WHY MEN SHOULD NOT WRITE ADVICE COLUMS

Dear JEFF,
I hope you can help. The other day, I set out for work, leaving my husband watching T.V. My car stalled and broke down about a block away. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got back, I could not believe my eyes. My husband was in bed with our neighbor's daughter. I am 32; My husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I congronted my husband, he admitted to having had an affair for the past 6 months. He won't go to counseling. I am a wreck and need your advice urgently. Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Sheila

JEFF replies

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with your engine. Start by checking for debris in your fuel line.
If clear, check the vacuum pipe and focus on the intake manifold. Also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solve the problem, check the fuel pump--it could be faulty. I hope this helps.
Sincerely,
JEFF

********************************************************

Boy does this guy have a story to crow about. Thanks to Charles Murawski for sending this one our way. BB

You need to establish your priorities.

Are your priorities established?
Some things are just more important.

SHOOT! SHOOT!!!
You can Finish the paperwork later.

********************************************************

Bill Bowker makes an interesting point. BB

Guys..... Who is your real friend?

This really works... Just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car at the same time for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

********************************************************

Tom Witter sends us this Texas yarn. BB

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

********************************************************

Dave Snavely is a teacher at heart. BB

Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father. "Who is that man going into the barn?"

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What!" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO”

********************************************************

I'm not sure who sent this one in but thanks to whomever did. BB

Muslim Family Poetrit.