Redneck Christmas float.

WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. JOKES MAY CONTAIN NUDITY, SWEARING, AND MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE BY SOME.

---

Attn C Troopers....Would someone please go by and check on Alan Benoit.....This is his submission for the week. BB<

To Everyone

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it , but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Thanks to Everybody,Somebody,Anybody and Nobody

********************************************************************

Looks like somebody has been having Reindeer Burgers, uh Smokey? BB

Redneck Christmas float.

********************************************************************

Now we hear from Wayne Paddack. BB

Amazing picture of a Michigan Ice Breaker at work.....

Damned tough, them Michiganders!

********************************************************************

What I like about being a Senior Citizen. BB

• Number of days in a week: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
• Bedtime: Three hours after falling asleep on the couch.
• Biggest gripe: There is not enough time to get everything done.
• Benefit of being called a senior: The term comes with a 10% discount.
• What is considered formal attire: Tied shoes.
• Why do retirees count pennies: They are the only ones who have the time.
• Common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire: NUTS!
• Reason retirees are so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
• What retirees call a long lunch: Normal .
• Best way to describe retirement: The never ending Coffee Break.
• Biggest advantage of going back to school: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
• What do retirees do all week: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday they rest.
• Why doing nothing is hard work: You never know when you're done

********************************************************************

Thanks to Jeff Kramer, some of you Deer Hunters may wonder what your wife is up to while your hunting...BB

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know

what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'.

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'...

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom....................

********************************************************************

This brain teaser was sent in by Bill Bowker. BB

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

********************************************************************

Heres a continuation of last weeks "Santa Drama" sent in by Fred Currier.

This picture was found on the wall of a pyramid over 4,000 years old.

Santa has always had problems with the people in the Middle East.

This is an addendum to the video in last weeks newsletter.

Santa has many scores to settle.

Fred

********************************************************************

Speaking of Santa, Check out this Christmas Card sent in by Bill Bowker that will really get your attention. BB

********************

source

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

December 2009 - Week 4

A SHORT LOVE STORY

Warning!!! CAVALRY TROOPER JOKES. NOT FOR THE INNOCENT OR MEEK OF HEART

---

Here's Smokey to get us started this week. BB

A SHORT LOVE STORY:

A man and a woman who had never met before,

But who were both married to other people,

Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,........... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ............' Now get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

The End

********************************************************

Now we hear from Charles Murawski .BB

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all,but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soulbecause I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

********************************************************

Heres one for those of you living in the central USA area, sent in by Wayne Paddack.BB

Now you know!
A winter statistic

98% OF AMERICAN’S SAY 'OH SH*T!' BEFORE

GOING INTO THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM ALASKA AND THEY SAY 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!'

********************************************************

That time of the year again! from Alan Benoit. BB

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday...

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,

“'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am

********************************************************

Good to hear from Jim Smith. BB

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Assholes.................

********************************************************

This is Smokey's entree for the week. BB

Anyone "with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar,"the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!"

********************************************************

Heres one from the man with Christmas Spirit....Dan Thompson. BB

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

********************************************************

I was beginning to worry about Rob Ferguson but here he is with a good one! BB

A senior citizen, phones her doctor, very upset:"Is it true", she asks, "I have to take this medication the rest of my life/"

"Yes, I'm afraid so", says the doctor

The lady is quiet for a moment, then replied "I'm wondering, just how serious is my condition, as this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS' "

**********

BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW
Jan. Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight!
Feb: Fired from Pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hello..the bottles don't fit in the printer!
Mar: Very excited, finished jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months, on the box it say 2 - 4 years!
Apr: Trapped on escaltor for hours, power went out
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid, got wrong instuctions, 8 cups of water will not fit in the little packet.
June: Wanted to go water skiing but couldn't find a lake with a slope. (in tahoe maybe?)
July: Lost breasst stroke simming race, found out later other racers were using their Arms!
Aug: Got locked out of car in a rainstorm, so the car got swamped because the top was down
Sept: The capital of California is C isn't it? (what say you EJ?)
Oct: Hate M&M's they are so damn hard to peel
Nov: Baked turkey for 4.5 days, instuctions said bake for one hour per pound and I way 108 (haven'st seen 108 since I was 12)
Dec: Couldn't call 911, no 11 button on this stupid phone!

************************

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

December 2009 - Week 3

Holiday bad attitude

WARNING!! TROOPERS JOKES - Some of these may not be pleasant for the young or weak of heart.

---

---

Heres one from the RAO Bulletin. BB

In the Blue Ridge Mountains , there was a retired sailor who was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Chief"

Three Admirals went-up into the mountains and wanted to rent him. The old sailor said good hunting dog,...gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed and three days later came back with the limit.

The next year they came back. "Chief" got better, gonna cost you $75.00 a day," again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back with the limit.

The third year they came back and told the old sailor they had to have "Chief" even if it cost $100.00 a day. The old sailor replied, "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00!!"

The bewildered Admirals asked, "But we don't understand, what happened to him?"

"Well, a crew from the Navy base in Norfolk came up and rented him. One of the idiots called him Master Chief, and he's just been sitting on his ass barkin' ever since..."

**************************************************************

It appears that Smokey Guillespie has been out doing research. BB

HERE'S A RIDDLE FOR YOU.
Pantyhose quiz

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Now, think about it... Ready?

scroll down, you'll love this

This is cute !!
























Answer:

10 little piggies,








2 calves,







1 @ss,







and an unknown number of hares,




And of course one (1) ... . .

**************************************************************

This just in from Alan Benoit. BB

Consider yourself warned!!!…………

Beware of Solar Power

**************************************************************

Jeff Kramer has the Holiday Spirit!. BB

Holiday bad attitude

Once  again, I was disqualified from my neighborhoods  "Best
Decorated  House" contest due to my bad attitude!

**************************************************************

The rest of the Story sent in by Alan Benoit. BB

I'm sure some of you were wondering about the real skinny on this story...

*******************************************************
source

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

December 2009 - Week 2

Ain't it the Truth?!!

WARNING!! TROOPER JOKE AREA - SOME OF THEM ARE VERY EXPLICIT!

---

Heres one from Smokey to get us started. BB

Ain't it the Truth?!!

**********************************************************

Alan Benoit is asking each of us a personal favor. BB

How the world works lately!!

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company..

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are Brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a Deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates.

**********************************************************

This one from Bill Bowker makes sense to me. BB

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. Please send this to a few of your old friends that still remember how to read.

**********************************************************

This one from John Conley hits below the waist. BB

Scotch and water and getting old

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up!' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up!' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole 'nother issue.'

**********

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'and you answer 'Pick one. I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are jokes.

**********************************************************

Wayne Paddack on how to get on America's funniest Videos. BB

The Fairytale Wedding ..................

You have just walked out of the church after your delightful wedding ceremony and on the church steps, both your families are applauding you with a hundred friends gathered around.

The photographer raises his camera and following your family's tradition, both of you are holding beautiful live white doves which you will release together.

Bride and groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove gently held in both hands as everyone eagerly awaits the climax of your marriage vows.

The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the sky and release the doves as a symbol of your eternal love.

Not a dry eye anywhere, such a moving sight, the camera flashes and the moment is captured for all eternity..............

Scroll down........................

Wedding Gown £2,500. Photographer £2,000. Vintage Rolls Royce £1,000. Having 'the twins' pop out and say CHEESE in front of your family and friends ... PRICELESS

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

November 2009 - Week 1

Cavalry vehicle overrun by Rita

WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. JOKES MAY CONTAIN NUDITY, SWEARING, AND MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE BY SOME.

---

There's a good chance troopers, that John Conley is entering his second childhood. BB<

Sylvester & Tweety

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety. 
(wait for it. It's  worth it)...       AFTER Tweety is  caught, scroll down.....





      



    


































This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2  seconds       -         there's hope for you
2-5 seconds        -         having a bad day?
5-10 seconds     -          are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds    -          remedial classes  are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds   -            it is recommended that you don't  breed.
30 sec-1 min     -           you probably can't read this anyway, So why  bother?
1-2 min              -         the equivalent of the  average house plant
2-5 min              -         Good  afternoon  Jessica Simpson  
5 min -1 hr          -         Dead people score in this range
1 hr plus              -         Congratulations.  You have a negative IQ. To find out what your
prize is, watch Bugs until he finishes his carrot... 
HEY - DON'T BLAME ME...YOU SHOULD KNOW SYLVESTER NEVER CATCHES TWEETY.  Now go on and forward it
to another of your unsuspecting friends.  You know you want to!

********************************************************************

Haven't heard from Bill Bowker in some time. Sounds like Bill has finally reached the "tender age" BB

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs'
and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them. Please send this to a few of your old friends that still remember how to read.

********************************************************************

Damn Smokey, Where do I send my money!! BB

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that..."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

I wonder if this is a true story? BB

********************************************************************

Thanks to Alan Benoit for this Thought....

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Have you ever wondered if the bills In your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..

So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money

That's my public service announcement for the day. Thank you very much!

********************************************************************

Thanks to Jeff Kramer, I may never eat Pumpkin Pie again....

How Pumpkin Pie is made!...

Just in time for Thanksgiving....................................

********************************************************************

Heres a "horny" one from Karl Listl. (Where in the hell do you people get these from? BB

Question for our Executive President and I believe "retired Legal Eagle". It was forwarded to me by my niece.

Here's a legal question:

Is this statutory rape???........or just a monumental mistake? (font color-green>And now a word of Defense from the Moose!

I want to thank the designer and sculptor of this beauty....It sure had me fooled!!
Mr. Moose is awaiting a decision from the court as to his future plans. BB

********************************************************************

Heres a heads up from Wayne Paddack.

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once," the woman replied.

"Well, how did he look?" coaxed the psychiatrist.

"Very angry," she answered.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. Tell me, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was outside, looking through the window at us." You never know where Mr. Moose will show up.

********************************************************************

Heres a nice one from Fred currier

Cavalry vehicle overrun by Rita

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

November 2009 - Week 4