A SHORT LOVE STORY

Warning!!! CAVALRY TROOPER JOKES. NOT FOR THE INNOCENT OR MEEK OF HEART

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Here's Smokey to get us started this week. BB

A SHORT LOVE STORY:

A man and a woman who had never met before,

But who were both married to other people,

Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,........... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ............' Now get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

The End

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Now we hear from Charles Murawski .BB

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all,but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soulbecause I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

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Heres one for those of you living in the central USA area, sent in by Wayne Paddack.BB

Now you know!
A winter statistic

98% OF AMERICAN’S SAY 'OH SH*T!' BEFORE

GOING INTO THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM ALASKA AND THEY SAY 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!'

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That time of the year again! from Alan Benoit. BB

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday...

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said,

“'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, Here I am

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Good to hear from Jim Smith. BB

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Assholes.................

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This is Smokey's entree for the week. BB

Anyone "with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar,"the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!"

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Heres one from the man with Christmas Spirit....Dan Thompson. BB

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

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I was beginning to worry about Rob Ferguson but here he is with a good one! BB

A senior citizen, phones her doctor, very upset:"Is it true", she asks, "I have to take this medication the rest of my life/"

"Yes, I'm afraid so", says the doctor

The lady is quiet for a moment, then replied "I'm wondering, just how serious is my condition, as this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS' "

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BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW
Jan. Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight!
Feb: Fired from Pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hello..the bottles don't fit in the printer!
Mar: Very excited, finished jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months, on the box it say 2 - 4 years!
Apr: Trapped on escaltor for hours, power went out
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid, got wrong instuctions, 8 cups of water will not fit in the little packet.
June: Wanted to go water skiing but couldn't find a lake with a slope. (in tahoe maybe?)
July: Lost breasst stroke simming race, found out later other racers were using their Arms!
Aug: Got locked out of car in a rainstorm, so the car got swamped because the top was down
Sept: The capital of California is C isn't it? (what say you EJ?)
Oct: Hate M&M's they are so damn hard to peel
Nov: Baked turkey for 4.5 days, instuctions said bake for one hour per pound and I way 108 (haven'st seen 108 since I was 12)
Dec: Couldn't call 911, no 11 button on this stupid phone!

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

December 2009 - Week 3