SO YOU THINK YOU HAVE SEEN EVERYTHING!?

WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. JOKES MAY CONTAIN NUDITY, SWEARING, AND MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE BY SOME.

---

Heres a sweet one from John Vanerio

You might want to watch from whom your kids get candy this HALLOWEEN!!!

pre>

CANDY REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NEVER TO TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER.....

.....THIS IS THE ONE SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

--

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some interesting photos from Danny Horn

SO YOU THINK YOU HAVE
SEEN EVERYTHING!?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There have been many,
Many times when I may have.
Disturbed you,
Troubled you,
Pestered you,
Irritated you,
Bugged you or got on your nerves with all the e-mails I send,

So today I just wanna tell you that...

I PLAN TO CONTINUE !!

********************************************************************

Here's one from the RAO Bulletin

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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This one was sent in by Grouchy himself

Study on Wisconsinites. Short and interesting

Woo hoo
A recent study found the average Wisconsinite walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Wisconsinites drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Wisconsinites get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be from Wisconsin, doesn't it!

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Tony Moscicki has reason to be proud!

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Jersey Journal, a local newspaper in New Jersey , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard , Vinny 'Bada Bing' Manziano, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Vinny has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, New Jersey had already gone wireless."

Just makes me proud to be from New Jersey

********************************************************************

How about this one from Dave Snavely

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Heres one forwarded from Gary Chenett

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?" He said: "Who murdered your hair!-?"

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source

http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK4.HTM

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

October 2009 - Week 4

No matter how beautiful she is...

WARNING!! TROOPERS JOKES - Some of these may not be pleasant for the young or weak of heart.

---

Ladies, Mothers and Dads, this is one of the jokes I try to warn you about. NOT FOR CHILDREN!! This first joke was sent in by Smokey Gullispie

When you see a woman....
And want her badly..
Please consider the following....

No matter how beautiful she is...




















No matter how sexy she is...




















No matter how seductive she is...




















No matter how cute & sweet she is...























No matter how huge her melons are...







I eh.... forgot what I was going to say!!

*************************************************************************

Good one! from Danny Horn

LONGEVITY CAJUN STYLE:

An 80-year-old cajun goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,'Boudreaux, how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm cajun and I am a fisher and a hunter,' says the old guy, 'and dat's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out hunting all day. I have a beer or 2, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 97 years old,' says the old cajun. 'In fact he hunted wid me dis mornin, and den we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little beer and dat's why he's still alive. He's cajun and he's a hunter and fisher, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 115 years old,' says the old cajun.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go dis mornin because he's gittin' married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married! Why would a 115 year old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

**************************************************************

John Vanerio sent this one in. BB

THIS IS WHY KIDS GO TO COLLEGE

Nothing like a great education.!!

Giant Caterpillar found in College Dorm Room....

**************************************************************

Tony Moscicki has this one covered.

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven..

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv gotta be fooken dead!"

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What came first, the Chicken or the Egg? from Gary Chenett

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

BOB, wake up. You shit the bed!'

**************************************************************

I'm not sure why this is funny but it comes from Tom Heckman.

Observations on Growing Older

It's harder to tell navy from black.

Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around.

Your kids are becoming you -- and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!

Yellow becomes the big color -- walls, hair, teeth.

Going out is good; coming home is better!

When people say you look "Great", they add, "for your age"!

When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything -- movies, hotels, flights

You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.

You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.

Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".

Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"

The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom -- you have his full attention.

Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

You use more 4 letter words -- "what?"..."when?"

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.; next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it

Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?

Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.

Your concealer doesn't conceal.

Your lipstick bleeds.

Your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.

You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody whispers.

Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear again

But old is good in some things -- old songs, old movies, and best of all -- old friends!

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source

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

October 2009 - Week 2

Another Victim of the Economy...

WARNING!! TROOPER JOKE AREA - SOME OF THEM ARE VERY EXPLICIT!

---

.Tony Moscicki gets us started this week. BB

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring.We never have any fun any more.
For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked,
streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud
applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

**********************************************************

.Heres some advice from Danny Horn on how to defeat the Flu. BB

To avoid it...
Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system

Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
As my grandmother always said,
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!'

Live Well -
Laugh Often -
Love Much

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.Heres some sad and shocking news send in by Alan Bonit. BB

Seems like only yesterday...

BARBIE DOLL has her 50th birthday this year.......

Tweety Bird is 60 years old!

And what about all our other .... CHILDHOOD SUPERHEROES?

SUPERMAN

Thor

Wonder Woman (touch of menopause here I think?)

Batman and Robin

SPIDERMAN

"Life is short, break the rules, forgive sooner, love with true love, laugh without control and always keep smiling.

Maybe life is not the party that we were expecting, but in the mean time, we're here and we can still dance....."

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.Charles Murawski thinks we should take up a collection for this poor thing! BB

Damn economy... This poor child can't even afford a pair of decent jeans

Another Victim of the Economy...

**********************************************************

.Smokey found us a Blond Joke! BB

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check..

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you

left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his

wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,

and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . .

So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

**********************************************************

.This one came from my Aunt Joe. She's from Michigan! BB

If You Grew Up in the Midwest, then...

You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.

You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.

You know the difference between 'Green' and 'Red' farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!

You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.

You or someone you know was a 'Dairy Princess' at the county fair.

You know that 'combine' is a noun.

You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a

steel post in the middle of winter.

You know that 'creek' rhymes with 'pick'.

Football schedules, hunting season, and harvest, are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.

A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

Saturday you go to your local bowling alley.

There was at least one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning.

You have driven your car on the lake.

Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.

Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

The local gas station sells live bait.

At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.

You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.

**********************************************************

Great Scott!! check out this one sent in by John Vanerio

THIS IS WHY KIDS GO TO COLLEGE

 





Nothing like a great education.






Giant Caterpillar found in College Dorm Room....





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source

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

October 2009 - Week 1