WARNING!! TROOPERS JOKES - Some of these may not be pleasant for the young or weak of heart.
When you see a woman....
And want her badly..
Please consider the following....
No matter how beautiful she is...
No matter how sexy she is...
No matter how seductive she is...
No matter how cute & sweet she is...
No matter how huge her melons are...
I eh.... forgot what I was going to say!!
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Good one! from Danny Horn
LONGEVITY CAJUN STYLE:
An 80-year-old cajun goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,'Boudreaux, how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm cajun and I am a fisher and a hunter,' says the old guy, 'and dat's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out hunting all day. I have a beer or 2, and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 97 years old,' says the old cajun. 'In fact he hunted wid me dis mornin, and den we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little beer and dat's why he's still alive. He's cajun and he's a hunter and fisher, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nono's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 115 years old,' says the old cajun.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'
'No, Nono couldn't go dis mornin because he's gittin' married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married! Why would a 115 year old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
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John Vanerio sent this one in. BB
THIS IS WHY KIDS GO TO COLLEGE
Nothing like a great education.!!
Giant Caterpillar found in College Dorm Room....
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Tony Moscicki has this one covered.
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven..
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv gotta be fooken dead!"
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What came first, the Chicken or the Egg? from Gary Chenett
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
BOB, wake up. You shit the bed!'
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I'm not sure why this is funny but it comes from Tom Heckman.
Observations on Growing Older
It's harder to tell navy from black.
Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around.
Your kids are becoming you -- and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!
Yellow becomes the big color -- walls, hair, teeth.
Going out is good; coming home is better!
When people say you look "Great", they add, "for your age"!
When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything -- movies, hotels, flights
You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.
You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.
The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.
Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore
Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.
You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"
The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom -- you have his full attention.
Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?
You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
You use more 4 letter words -- "what?"..."when?"
Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M.; next week it will be 8:30 P.M.
You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it
Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
Your concealer doesn't conceal.
Your lipstick bleeds.
Your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.
You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
Everybody whispers.
Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job.
You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet, 2 of which you will never wear again
But old is good in some things -- old songs, old movies, and best of all -- old friends!
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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
October 2009 - Week 2
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