WARNING!! TROOPER JOKE AREA - SOME OF THEM ARE VERY EXPLICIT!
Heres one from Charles Murawski to get us started this week. BB A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, So I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
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Alan Benoit sent this one in. BB
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, So I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
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Alan Benoit sent this one in. BB
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.
THE END.
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From Bill Bowker. I feel the same way Bill .BB
I was just wondering......
When the Hell is Spring coming????
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Getting in th mood for summer.Thanks to John Vanerio for sending this one in. BB
HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN PEOPLE HAVE HAD ENOUGH SNOW?
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I bet a few of you can sympathize with this. BB
Have You Heard? How to give a pet a pill
Cats
• Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
• Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
• Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
• Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore
finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
• Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
• Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat
vigorously.
• Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
• Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.
• Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.
• Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat
in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
• Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
• Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.
• Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
• Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
• Arrange for SPCA to come collect this mutant cat from hell and call the local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
• Accidentally drop pill on floor. Watch cat pounce on the pill and devour it.
Dogs
• Wrap it in bacon.
• Toss it in the air
I bet a few of you can sympathize with this. BB
Have You Heard? How to give a pet a pill
Cats
• Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
• Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
• Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
• Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore
finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
• Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
• Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat
vigorously.
• Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
• Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.
• Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.
• Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat
in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
• Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
• Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.
• Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
• Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
• Arrange for SPCA to come collect this mutant cat from hell and call the local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
• Accidentally drop pill on floor. Watch cat pounce on the pill and devour it.
Dogs
• Wrap it in bacon.
• Toss it in the air
**********************************************************
Fred Currier sent this one in. BB
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke..”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same..”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.
“Same,” says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress.. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man..
The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say..”
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Here's a good one from Smokey. BB
**********************************************************
Fred Currier sent this one in. BB
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke..”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same..”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.
“Same,” says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress.. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man..
The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say..”
**********************************************************
Here's a good one from Smokey. BB
Summer's almost here ...we can now see the deer moving
around in the back yard.
Yep, won't be long.
can now see the deer moving
around in the back yard.
Yep, won't be long.
**********************************************************
Grouchy sent this prize winner in. BB
Irish Virginity Test Kit
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue . If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
**********************************************************
Bill Bowker sent in this keeper. BB
If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one.....
An incredible story of luck and inspiration!
Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK!
**********************************************************
A good way to end the week with John Conley's "Most" embarresing Moment. BB
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music..
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod
**********************************************************
Grouchy sent this prize winner in. BB
Irish Virginity Test Kit
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue . If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
**********************************************************
Bill Bowker sent in this keeper. BB
If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one.....
An incredible story of luck and inspiration!
Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK!
**********************************************************
A good way to end the week with John Conley's "Most" embarresing Moment. BB
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music..
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod
**********************************************************
sourcehttp://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK1.htmWELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
March 2010 - Week 1
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