WARNING!! TROOPER JOKE AREA - SOME OF THEM ARE VERY EXPLICIT!
Heres one from Smokey to get us started this week. BB
Two young businessmen in CLOVIS were sitting down for
a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves
and display racks set up. One said to the other,
"I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going
to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what
we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior
gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely
and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,
"What are you sellin'here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're
selling ass-holes.
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,
"You're doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them, they've been
around!
**********************************************************
Dan Thompson sent this one in. BB
SNORKELING IN NEBRASKA
Alcohol may have been involved...
**********************************************************
Bill Bowker sends us a good point. BB
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
**********************************************************
Fred Currier sent this one in. BB
Stanley died in a fire and his body was badly burned.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Bubba.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the coroner pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The body was rolled over and Cooter said, "Nope, that ain't Stanley."
The coroner thought that was rather strange.
So he brought in Bubba to identify the body.
Bubba looked at the body and said,"Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The coroner rolled him over and Bubba said, "Nope that ain't Stanley."
The coroner asked, "How can you tell?"
Bubba said, "Well, Stanley had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the coroner.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
"There's Stanley with the two assholes!"
**********************************************************
Here's a good one from Ted Armstrong. BB
Two Radical Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
**********************************************************
John Vanerio sent this prize winner in. BB
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob.
Women like that are hard to find.'
**********************************************************
John Conley sent in this keeper. BB
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. �He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Missouri back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
**********************************************************
A good way to end the week with Dan Thompson's submission. BB
Next Monday Is National Breast Appreciation Day.
Spread the slogan "We stare because we care!"
Beats The Shit Out Of Ground Hog Day, Doesn't It ?
***************
source
WARNING!! TROOPER JOKE AREA - SOME OF THEM ARE VERY EXPLICIT!
Heres one from Smokey to get us started this week. BB
WARNING!! TROOPER JOKE AREA - SOME OF THEM ARE VERY EXPLICIT!
Two young businessmen in CLOVIS were sitting down for
a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves
and display racks set up. One said to the other,
"I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going
to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what
we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior
gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely
and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,
"What are you sellin'here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're
selling ass-holes.
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,
"You're doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them, they've been
around!
**********************************************************
Dan Thompson sent this one in. BB
SNORKELING IN NEBRASKA
Alcohol may have been involved...
**********************************************************
Bill Bowker sends us a good point. BB
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
**********************************************************
Fred Currier sent this one in. BB
Stanley died in a fire and his body was badly burned.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Bubba.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the coroner pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The body was rolled over and Cooter said, "Nope, that ain't Stanley."
The coroner thought that was rather strange.
So he brought in Bubba to identify the body.
Bubba looked at the body and said,"Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The coroner rolled him over and Bubba said, "Nope that ain't Stanley."
The coroner asked, "How can you tell?"
Bubba said, "Well, Stanley had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the coroner.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
"There's Stanley with the two assholes!"
**********************************************************
Here's a good one from Ted Armstrong. BB
Two Radical Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
**********************************************************
John Vanerio sent this prize winner in. BB
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob.
Women like that are hard to find.'
**********************************************************
John Conley sent in this keeper. BB
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. �He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Missouri back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
**********************************************************
A good way to end the week with Dan Thompson's submission. BB
Next Monday Is National Breast Appreciation Day.
Spread the slogan "We stare because we care!"
Beats The Shit Out Of Ground Hog Day, Doesn't It ?
***************
source
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
February 2010 - Week 1
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK1.htm
No comments:
Post a Comment