Noel Ở Khắp Nơi
Noel Ở Khắp Nơi
Gửi bởi: wildmonkey, Ngày đăng: 01/12/2008, Lần xem: 45, Thảo luận: 0 lượt.
Tại La Mã, Thánh lễ nửa đêm được cử hành trọng thể tại Vương cung thánh đường Đức Bà, nơi có bàn thờ Máng cỏ...
Tại La Mã, Thánh lễ nửa đêm được cử hành trọng thể tại Vương cung thánh đường Đức Bà, nơi có bàn thờ Máng cỏ gồm có 5 miếng gỗ nhỏ, được coi như một phần của Máng Cỏ nơi Chúa Hài Đồng đã nằm. Nhân dịp trọng đại này, Đức Thánh Cha thường gởi thông điệp cho thế giới.
Ở Belem, khách hành hương từ khắp nơi đổ về nhà thờ Giáng sinh, nơi còn ghi dấu Chúa đã ra đời cách đây 2000 năm.
Tại Anh, Noel không chỉ là một ngày lễ tôn giáo mà còn là lễ đoàn tụ của mọi thành viên trong gia đình. Mọi người hoan hỉ quây quần bên những chiếc bánh pudding và ngỗng quay.
Đối với trẻ con ở Pháp, Noel đúng là ‘thiên đàng’: ngoài trời có tuyết rơi, trong nhà có lò sưởi, có ông già Noel; đi lễ về cả nhà cùng ăn bánh Réveilon.
Người Nga ăn mừng Noel trong 13 ngày, kể từ 24 tháng chạp đến ngày 6 tháng giêng; ngày này mới đúng là ngày Noel theo Chính thống giáo.
Tại Mỹ, trước tòa Bạch ốc và các cao ốc như Rokefeller, những cây thông khổng lồ cao hàng chục thước từ các nước Bắc Âu được dựng lên trong ánh điện muôn màu rực rỡ. Cả gia đình cùng nhau theo dõi lễ Noel qua chương trình đặc biệt trên truyền hình. Quà Noel cho trẻ em được treo gần lò sưởi, trên lò sưởi đầy ắp những thiệp chúc mừng Noel. Sau chương trình lễ kết thúc, cả nhà đều dùng rượu vang của Califonie và gà tây quay.
Tại các làng quê ở Ý, giáo dân đi thành từng hàng tiến đến nhà thờ dưới ánh đuốc bập bùng. Nhân dịp này, dân làng thường đem quà đến các cô nhi viện để mang lại niềm vui cho các trẻ mồ côi.
Tại Brasil, vào lúc nửa đêm trên đại lộ nằm dọc theo bờ biển Copacabana, hàng ngàn xe ô-tô pha đèn và nhấn kèn inh ỏi trước tượng Chúa Giêsu khổng lồ dang tay ra như muốn ôm lấy nhân loại, sáng rực nằm trên đỉnh Corcovado.
Linh Hải
(St)
wildmonkey
source
http://sinhvienconggiao.net/31/2081/NoelOKhapNoi.aspx
Chuyện Vui Noel
Gửi bởi: tudakmil, Ngày đăng: 02/12/2008, Lần xem: 26, Thảo luận: 0 lượt.
Sao không có bà già noel?
Chuyện vui về noel-tại sao không có bà già tuyết
Đơn giản thui,có mấy cách suy luận như sau.Này nhé:1.Bà già tuyết không thể năm nào cũng mặc một bộ quần áo nhu thế để đi phát quà cho trẻ em được-->vì thời thế bây giờ thay đổi mode liên tục.Họ không chịu đứng ngoài đường nhìn vào các shop thời trang mà lực bất tòng tâm âm thầm chịu đựng được:yes: 2.Họ không thể chiu từ trên nóc nhà qua ống khói được,bẩn lắm,chịu sao nổi.3.các bà già noel lại càng không thể cưỡi tuần lộc đi phát quà được, gặp gió về thế nào cũng ốm ngay.4.Họ còn không muốn lên chức bà nữa chứ, chả lẽ lại gọi họ là cô già noel hay sao, rõ ràng là chã ai muốn như thế cả.>>Vậy nên không thể thiếu những ông già tuyết được.Note:bài viết cò tham khảo 1 số ý kiến của các đồng nghiệp nhưng có thay đổi lời lẽ
[Tham khảo: Sưu Tầm]
tudakmil
source
http://sinhvienconggiao.net/31/2101/ChuyenVuiNoel.aspx
Thursday December 18, 2008 - 01:33am (EST) Permanent Link 0 Comments
Can You FIND THE CANADIAN?
Monday November 10, 2008 - 04:08am (EST) Permanent Link 0 Comments
Political Cartoons by Steve Breen
Political Cartoons by Steve Breen
Today's Political CartoonPolitical Cartoons by Steve Breen
Thursday, October 23, 2008Political Cartoons by Steve Breen
Saturday, October 11, 2008Political Cartoons by Steve Breen
Thursday, October 16, 2008
source
http://townhall.com/cartoons/cartoonist/SteveBreen/2008/10/2
Thursday November 6, 2008 - 04:05am (EST) Permanent Link 0 Comments
I got her clothes yesterday!
Charles Murawski speaks like a man who has been there.
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply it. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you can expect a ton of shit.'
Love and appreciate all the women in your life.
***********************************************
This one comes in from Jim Dempsey.
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though
***********************************************
Joe west Checks in with this one.
Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument
Most of the American population thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely, Your Friend
This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.
***********************************************
Here's one from Wayne Paddack.
Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
***********************************************
An oldie but good one from Richard Umphrey.
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
***********************************************
This one was sent in by George Villanueva.
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... He was screwed.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house.... and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is: 'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.
***********************************************
Now we hear from Tony Moscicki.
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a Hangover?' Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.' 'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?'
"No '
'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver .'
***********************************************
source
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER Vol 5-07
October 2008 - Week 5
Tuesday October 28, 2008 - 04:46am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
It's because she smells like a new truck
WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE BY SOME.
Tony Moscicki has found an Air Bag made just for men!
********************************************************************
This is a nice helpful article sent in by Jim Dempsey.
If you've had one you'll understand and if you haven't, your time is coming.
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinaril y I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and th e next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
********************************************************************
Alan Benoit is really into trucks.
Do you know why?
When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally.
ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck
********************************************************************
John Vanerio has found proof that the price of Gasoline is now reaching into the pockets of even the richest and most famous people in our country.
********************************************************************
Dan Horn checks in with this one about growing old.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
********************************************************************
Wayne Paddack sent this one in.
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
********************************************************************
source
quarterhorsecav
Wednesday October 1, 2008 - 05:48am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
Noel Ở Khắp Nơi
Gửi bởi: wildmonkey, Ngày đăng: 01/12/2008, Lần xem: 45, Thảo luận: 0 lượt.
Tại La Mã, Thánh lễ nửa đêm được cử hành trọng thể tại Vương cung thánh đường Đức Bà, nơi có bàn thờ Máng cỏ...
Tại La Mã, Thánh lễ nửa đêm được cử hành trọng thể tại Vương cung thánh đường Đức Bà, nơi có bàn thờ Máng cỏ gồm có 5 miếng gỗ nhỏ, được coi như một phần của Máng Cỏ nơi Chúa Hài Đồng đã nằm. Nhân dịp trọng đại này, Đức Thánh Cha thường gởi thông điệp cho thế giới.
Ở Belem, khách hành hương từ khắp nơi đổ về nhà thờ Giáng sinh, nơi còn ghi dấu Chúa đã ra đời cách đây 2000 năm.
Tại Anh, Noel không chỉ là một ngày lễ tôn giáo mà còn là lễ đoàn tụ của mọi thành viên trong gia đình. Mọi người hoan hỉ quây quần bên những chiếc bánh pudding và ngỗng quay.
Đối với trẻ con ở Pháp, Noel đúng là ‘thiên đàng’: ngoài trời có tuyết rơi, trong nhà có lò sưởi, có ông già Noel; đi lễ về cả nhà cùng ăn bánh Réveilon.
Người Nga ăn mừng Noel trong 13 ngày, kể từ 24 tháng chạp đến ngày 6 tháng giêng; ngày này mới đúng là ngày Noel theo Chính thống giáo.
Tại Mỹ, trước tòa Bạch ốc và các cao ốc như Rokefeller, những cây thông khổng lồ cao hàng chục thước từ các nước Bắc Âu được dựng lên trong ánh điện muôn màu rực rỡ. Cả gia đình cùng nhau theo dõi lễ Noel qua chương trình đặc biệt trên truyền hình. Quà Noel cho trẻ em được treo gần lò sưởi, trên lò sưởi đầy ắp những thiệp chúc mừng Noel. Sau chương trình lễ kết thúc, cả nhà đều dùng rượu vang của Califonie và gà tây quay.
Tại các làng quê ở Ý, giáo dân đi thành từng hàng tiến đến nhà thờ dưới ánh đuốc bập bùng. Nhân dịp này, dân làng thường đem quà đến các cô nhi viện để mang lại niềm vui cho các trẻ mồ côi.
Tại Brasil, vào lúc nửa đêm trên đại lộ nằm dọc theo bờ biển Copacabana, hàng ngàn xe ô-tô pha đèn và nhấn kèn inh ỏi trước tượng Chúa Giêsu khổng lồ dang tay ra như muốn ôm lấy nhân loại, sáng rực nằm trên đỉnh Corcovado.
Linh Hải
(St)
wildmonkey
source
http://sinhvienconggiao.net/31/2081/NoelOKhapNoi.aspx
Chuyện Vui Noel
Gửi bởi: tudakmil, Ngày đăng: 02/12/2008, Lần xem: 26, Thảo luận: 0 lượt.
Sao không có bà già noel?
Chuyện vui về noel-tại sao không có bà già tuyết
Đơn giản thui,có mấy cách suy luận như sau.Này nhé:1.Bà già tuyết không thể năm nào cũng mặc một bộ quần áo nhu thế để đi phát quà cho trẻ em được-->vì thời thế bây giờ thay đổi mode liên tục.Họ không chịu đứng ngoài đường nhìn vào các shop thời trang mà lực bất tòng tâm âm thầm chịu đựng được:yes: 2.Họ không thể chiu từ trên nóc nhà qua ống khói được,bẩn lắm,chịu sao nổi.3.các bà già noel lại càng không thể cưỡi tuần lộc đi phát quà được, gặp gió về thế nào cũng ốm ngay.4.Họ còn không muốn lên chức bà nữa chứ, chả lẽ lại gọi họ là cô già noel hay sao, rõ ràng là chã ai muốn như thế cả.>>Vậy nên không thể thiếu những ông già tuyết được.Note:bài viết cò tham khảo 1 số ý kiến của các đồng nghiệp nhưng có thay đổi lời lẽ
[Tham khảo: Sưu Tầm]
tudakmil
source
http://sinhvienconggiao.net/31/2101/ChuyenVuiNoel.aspx
Thursday December 18, 2008 - 01:33am (EST) Permanent Link 0 Comments
Can You FIND THE CANADIAN?
Monday November 10, 2008 - 04:08am (EST) Permanent Link 0 Comments
Political Cartoons by Steve Breen
Political Cartoons by Steve Breen
Today's Political CartoonPolitical Cartoons by Steve Breen
Thursday, October 23, 2008Political Cartoons by Steve Breen
Saturday, October 11, 2008Political Cartoons by Steve Breen
Thursday, October 16, 2008
source
http://townhall.com/cartoons/cartoonist/SteveBreen/2008/10/2
Thursday November 6, 2008 - 04:05am (EST) Permanent Link 0 Comments
I got her clothes yesterday!
Charles Murawski speaks like a man who has been there.
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply it. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you can expect a ton of shit.'
Love and appreciate all the women in your life.
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This one comes in from Jim Dempsey.
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though
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Joe west Checks in with this one.
Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument
Most of the American population thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely, Your Friend
This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.
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Here's one from Wayne Paddack.
Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
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An oldie but good one from Richard Umphrey.
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
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This one was sent in by George Villanueva.
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... He was screwed.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house.... and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is: 'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.
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Now we hear from Tony Moscicki.
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a Hangover?' Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.' 'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?' 'Have you farted yet?'
"No '
'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver .'
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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER Vol 5-07
October 2008 - Week 5
Tuesday October 28, 2008 - 04:46am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
It's because she smells like a new truck
WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. MAY BE FOUND OFFENSIVE BY SOME.
Tony Moscicki has found an Air Bag made just for men!
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This is a nice helpful article sent in by Jim Dempsey.
If you've had one you'll understand and if you haven't, your time is coming.
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinaril y I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and th e next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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Alan Benoit is really into trucks.
Do you know why?
When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker, And his throat gets dry, He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally.
ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck
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John Vanerio has found proof that the price of Gasoline is now reaching into the pockets of even the richest and most famous people in our country.
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Dan Horn checks in with this one about growing old.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
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Wayne Paddack sent this one in.
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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quarterhorsecav
Wednesday October 1, 2008 - 05:48am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
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