Reasons To Hate Winter
Dave Snavely shares a lot of our feelings about winter during our "Golden Years"
Reasons To Hate Winter:
*********************************************
These must have came out after I quit drinking. All I remember was Idle....Full Speed.BB - Sent in by Tony Moscicki.
Hangover Ratings
One Star Hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover **
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover ***
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover ****
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.No one wants to hear me sing.
*********************************************
Tony Moscicki sends in this unmistakable evicence.
source
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK2.HTM
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
February 2008 - Week 2
Tuesday August 19, 2008 - 05:05am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
********************************************************
We all know how you feel Jorge.
LOSING A FRIEND:
THIS IS A VERY TOUCHING STORY ABOUT LIFE& DEATH,AND THE FRIENDS THAT WE HAVE.IT'S CERTAIN TO STIR UP YOUR HEART, TOUCH YOUR SOUL.THIS EMAIL IS ONE I COULD NOT AFFORD NOT TO SHARE WITH MY FRIENDS.I'M STILL CHOKED UP OVER IT!
********************************************************
Heres one from Joe West.
Bubba and the Toilet Brush
One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They each bought fivetickets at a dollar a pop.The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."
********************************************************
Alan Benoit believes there is no hope in stopping this virus!
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one
. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1945 Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
********************************************************
Here's one from Rob Ferguson that will make you Ponder!
Things to ponder:
Is there another word for synonym?If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or nekked?If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
The biggest question asked each year at Cape Cod: If it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?
From the headlines:Police begin campaign to rundown jaywalkers.Panda mating fails. Veterinarian takes over.Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant.Crack found on Governor's daughter.Red Tape holds up New Bridges.Kids make Nutritious snacks.Local High School dropouts cut in half.
Potpourri:
While visiting a modern art museum a woman turns to a nearby attendant and says: "I suppose this is one of those hideous representations you call modern art" The attendant replies "No Maam, we call this a mirror."
Blondie:
Bob, a Handsome Dude (Bob's only come in handsome, although Rob's are handsomer!) walks into a bar and sits down next ot a lovely blonde lady. The 10PM News comes on and the lead story is about a man on the ledge of a nearby building, getting ready to jump.
The blonde looks at Bob and says "Do you think he will jump?" "You know I'll bet he will jump" says Bob"Well, I bet he won't "says the blonde.Bob places a $20 on the bar and says "You're on"Just as the blonde places her $20 on the bar the man jumps to his death.The Blonde is very upset, but hands her $20 to Bob saying "Fair is Fair, here's your money""I can't take your money" says Bob, "I saw this earlier on the 5PM News, so I knew he'd jump""I did too says the blonde, "but I didn't think he'd do it again".
Bob took the money.
source:
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
January 2008 - Week 3
Tuesday August 19, 2008 - 03:57am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
"I put drops in her eyes."
Here is an amazing one from Jim Smith.
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper"
********************************************************
Tony Moscicki sent this one in.
A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant."Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"
Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."
"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"
"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
********************************************************
Al Bailey sends this one to us. Very thoughtful Al
A fart it is a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song...... A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent , and deadly. A fart might not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while... A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces. From wide -open prairie, To small elevators, A fart will find all of Us sooner or later. But farts are all bad, Is simply not true- We must never forget....... Good old farts like you!
********************************************************
source:
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
January 2008 - Week 3
Tuesday August 19, 2008 - 03:51am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
This is weird ... makes you dizzy looking at it
Tuesday August 19, 2008 - 03:45am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
Can of Worms
Can of Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Harry Berndt
http://us.f527.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=harry.l.berndt@earthlink.net
Why Wait? Move to EarthLink
source:
<>
Top Page Blog Friends Lists Groups
Lynn Seals, 51
Smyrna, Georgia US
Date:
Thu, 5 Apr 2007 19:10:31 -0700 (PDT)
From:
"Lynn Seals"View Contact Details Add Mobile Alert Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more
Subject:
Fwd: Can of Worms
Sunday November 25, 2007 - 08:21pm (EST) Permanent Link 0 Comments
Dave Snavely shares a lot of our feelings about winter during our "Golden Years"
Reasons To Hate Winter:
*********************************************
These must have came out after I quit drinking. All I remember was Idle....Full Speed.BB - Sent in by Tony Moscicki.
Hangover Ratings
One Star Hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover **
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover ***
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover ****
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.No one wants to hear me sing.
*********************************************
Tony Moscicki sends in this unmistakable evicence.
source
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK2.HTM
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
February 2008 - Week 2
Tuesday August 19, 2008 - 05:05am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
********************************************************
We all know how you feel Jorge.
LOSING A FRIEND:
THIS IS A VERY TOUCHING STORY ABOUT LIFE& DEATH,AND THE FRIENDS THAT WE HAVE.IT'S CERTAIN TO STIR UP YOUR HEART, TOUCH YOUR SOUL.THIS EMAIL IS ONE I COULD NOT AFFORD NOT TO SHARE WITH MY FRIENDS.I'M STILL CHOKED UP OVER IT!
********************************************************
Heres one from Joe West.
Bubba and the Toilet Brush
One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They each bought fivetickets at a dollar a pop.The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."
********************************************************
Alan Benoit believes there is no hope in stopping this virus!
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one
. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1945 Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
********************************************************
Here's one from Rob Ferguson that will make you Ponder!
Things to ponder:
Is there another word for synonym?If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or nekked?If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
The biggest question asked each year at Cape Cod: If it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?
From the headlines:Police begin campaign to rundown jaywalkers.Panda mating fails. Veterinarian takes over.Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant.Crack found on Governor's daughter.Red Tape holds up New Bridges.Kids make Nutritious snacks.Local High School dropouts cut in half.
Potpourri:
While visiting a modern art museum a woman turns to a nearby attendant and says: "I suppose this is one of those hideous representations you call modern art" The attendant replies "No Maam, we call this a mirror."
Blondie:
Bob, a Handsome Dude (Bob's only come in handsome, although Rob's are handsomer!) walks into a bar and sits down next ot a lovely blonde lady. The 10PM News comes on and the lead story is about a man on the ledge of a nearby building, getting ready to jump.
The blonde looks at Bob and says "Do you think he will jump?" "You know I'll bet he will jump" says Bob"Well, I bet he won't "says the blonde.Bob places a $20 on the bar and says "You're on"Just as the blonde places her $20 on the bar the man jumps to his death.The Blonde is very upset, but hands her $20 to Bob saying "Fair is Fair, here's your money""I can't take your money" says Bob, "I saw this earlier on the 5PM News, so I knew he'd jump""I did too says the blonde, "but I didn't think he'd do it again".
Bob took the money.
source:
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
January 2008 - Week 3
Tuesday August 19, 2008 - 03:57am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
"I put drops in her eyes."
Here is an amazing one from Jim Smith.
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper"
********************************************************
Tony Moscicki sent this one in.
A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant."Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"
Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."
"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"
"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
********************************************************
Al Bailey sends this one to us. Very thoughtful Al
A fart it is a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song...... A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent , and deadly. A fart might not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while... A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces. From wide -open prairie, To small elevators, A fart will find all of Us sooner or later. But farts are all bad, Is simply not true- We must never forget....... Good old farts like you!
********************************************************
source:
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
January 2008 - Week 3
Tuesday August 19, 2008 - 03:51am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
This is weird ... makes you dizzy looking at it
Tuesday August 19, 2008 - 03:45am (EDT) Permanent Link 0 Comments
Can of Worms
Can of Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Harry Berndt
http://us.f527.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=harry.l.berndt@earthlink.net
Why Wait? Move to EarthLink
source:
<>
Top Page Blog Friends Lists Groups
Lynn Seals, 51
Smyrna, Georgia US
Date:
Thu, 5 Apr 2007 19:10:31 -0700 (PDT)
From:
"Lynn Seals"
Subject:
Fwd: Can of Worms
Sunday November 25, 2007 - 08:21pm (EST) Permanent Link 0 Comments
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