New Sex Study...

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

How about this gem from Tony Moscicki.

New Sex Study...

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is doggie position...

The husband sits up and begs................

The wife rolls over and plays dead.............

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John Conley sent this one in.

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

  Before I lay me down to sleep, 

I pray for a man, who's not a creep, 

One who's handsome, smart and strong. 

One who loves to listen long, 

One who thinks before he speaks, 

One who'll call, not wait for weeks. 

I pray he's gainfully employed, 

When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. 

Pulls out my chair and opens my door, 

Massages my back and begs to do more. 

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, 

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" 

I pray that this man will love me to no end, 

And always be my very best friend.   

MAN'S LOVE POEM   

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with 

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, 

and loves to send me fishing and hunting. 

This doesn't rhyme, and I don't give a shit.

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Here's a grim one from Smokey.

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother,
gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going
out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom
if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?

'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, do tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think
I gave him my airplane glue.'

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Dan Horn gets us started this week.

BUMPER STICKERS SEEN ON RETIREE'S CARS

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source:

WARNING! - TROOPER JOKE AREA. MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR THE YOUNG AND WEAK AT HEART.

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

February 2008 - Week 4

http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK4.HTM

Saturday October 4, 2008 - 09:41am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Leaving the scene of an Accident

Dave Snavely gets us started with a blond joke.

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

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Tony MOscicki sent these in for your enjoyment.

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

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This one was sent in by Alan Benoit.

Leaving the scene of an Accident.

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From George Villanueva.

Anagrams

Best one in a long time!

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the words 'Muslim Immigrants' and add a few more letters it spells out:

'Screw off and go home, you hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, benefit grabbing, smelly rag head pricks'

How weird is that ??

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Here's a good one from Tom Witter.

Older Woman

'I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place with her.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'

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Jeff Kramer sent this one in.

The Home Depot Scam

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree, and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also July 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your male friends to be careful!

p.s. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each.

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Some more Ponderables.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.   

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.   

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.   

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.   

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.   

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?   

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.   

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?   

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.   

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.   

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.   

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. 

It could be a right number.   

Think about this..., 

No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.   

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.   

Be careful reading the fine print. 

There's no way you're going to like it.   

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.   

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?   

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.   

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

SOURCE:

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
August 2008 - Week 4
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK4.HTM

Saturday October 4, 2008 - 09:29am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Thought for the day...

Wayne Paddack gets things started this week.

An elderly Italian man went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father during World War ll a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours every day and twice on weekends."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.... But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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Rob Ferguson found a neat way to locate your wife.

Subject: Find the wife technique

An older man (Marine Aviator) approaches a younger woman inside the mall.

'Excuse me,' he said. I can't seem to find my wife.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,

'Sure, Do you know where your wife might be?'

I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,

she usually appears out of nowhere.

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Thanks to Jim Dempsey for reminding me about why I go to Florida every Winter!

MICHIGAN POEM

It's winter in Michigan and the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour at twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Michigan when the snow's up to your butt

You take a breath of winter and your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful so I guess I'll hang around

I could never leave Michigan 'cause I'm frozen to the ground!

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Heres another scary one sent in by Willie Sybert.

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source

http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

February 2008 - Week 3

Tuesday August 19, 2008 - 04:56am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments

SPECIAL POEM FOR

SPECIAL POEM FOR

Here you go everybody! Jim Dempsey knows whats ailing you.

SPECIAL POEM FOR

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...

source

http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK2.HTM

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

January 2008 - Week 2