t's a romantic full moon

t's a romantic full moon

Dave Snavely proving that you never get to old to learn something new.

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my golf bag, tried not to wake my wife, sneaked quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. Disappointed I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and sneaked back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that stuff?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped playing golf.

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Smokey Guillespi thinks this is the best Christmas Joke of the year!

This may be the only Christmas “card” I get out this year !!

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

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Heres some uptodate thinking from Rob Ferguson.

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This came in from Joe Birindelli. I didn't know that was how this custom started.

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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This one came in from Grouchy!

A BIG TEXAN STOPPED AT A LOCAL RESTAURANT FOLLOWING A DAY ROAMING AROUND IN�MEXICO..

WHILE SIPPING HIS TEQUILA, HE NOTICED A SIZZLING, SCRUMPTIOUS LOOKING PLATTER BEING SERVED AT THE NEXT TABLE. NOT ONLY DID IT LOOK GOOD, THE SMELL WAS WONDERFUL.

HE ASKED THE WAITER, 'WHAT IS THAT YOU JUST SERVED?'

THE WAITER REPLIED, 'AH SENOR, YOU HAVE EXCELLENT TASTE! THOSE ARE CALLED COJONES DE TORO, BULL'S TESTICLES FROM THE BULL FIGHT THIS MORNING. A DELICACY!'

THE COWBOY SAID, 'WHAT THE HECK, BRING ME AN ORDER.'

THE WAITER REPLIED, 'I AM SO SORRY SENOR. THERE IS ONLY ONE SERVING PER DAY BECAUSE THERE IS ONLY ONE BULL FIGHT EACH MORNING. IF YOU COME EARLY AND PLACE YOUR ORDER, WE WILL BE SURE TO SAVE YOU THIS DELICACY.'

THE NEXT MORNING, THE COWBOY RETURNED, PLACED HIS ORDER, AND THAT EVENING WAS SERVED THE ONE AND ONLY SPECIAL DELICACY OF THE DAY. AFTER A FEW BITES, INSPECTING HIS PLATTER, HE CALLED TO THE WAITER AND SAID, 'THESE ARE DELICIOUS, BUT THEY ARE MUCH, MUCH SMALLER THAN THE ONES I SAW YOU SERVE YESTERDAY.'

THE WAITER SHRUGGED HIS SHOULDERS AND REPLIED, 'SI, SENOR...

SOMETIMES THE BULL WINS.

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Hers on from Jorge Esquilin who lives in Kansas City, Missouri.

The Missouri Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading towards and into the city of Kansas City .
For the first offense, they give you two Kansas City Chiefs tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Chiefs

Q. How do you keep a Kansas City Chief out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Kansas City Chief with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the Chiefs and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

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HAVE YOU HEARD: Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......A COMMONTATER

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Here's our leader John Conley still doing what he does best, Keeping the troop informed.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

' Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years. '

The dog said: ' That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten? '

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

' Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span. '

The monkey said: ' Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did? '

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

' You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. '

The cow said: ' That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty? '

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

' Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years. '

But man said: ' Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? '

' Okay, ' said God, ' You asked for it. '

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

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This is supposed to make you relax and not take life so seriously. Anyway, Thanks to Wayne Paddack for trying.

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.

13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.

22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.

23 . Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.

26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.

32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.

34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.

35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened.

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WARNING!! TROOPERS JOKES - Some of these may not be pleasant for the young or weak of heart

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

December 2008 - Week 2

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Wednesday January 21, 2009 - 03:50am (EST) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

i put a sign in my yard

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

January 2009 - Week 3

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Monday January 19, 2009 - 03:13am (EST) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

'That sounds fantastic; but for an outside line you need to press 9.'

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Heres a good one from George villanuea.

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK ( Republic of Korea ) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine and then Colonel Chesty Puller of the 1st Marine Division to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you," asked Puller.

"Many, many Chinese," replied the excited Korean officer.

Colonel Puller asked for another count and got the same answer, "Many, many, many Chinese."

"Goddammit," swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."

In a minute, an American voice came over the air, "Yes sir."

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"Colonel, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here."

"Thank God," exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count."

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I like this one sent in by Dan Thompson.

A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under 'Escorts and Massages'. He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says.

God she sounded sexy!

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and w hat I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic; but for an outside line you need to press 9.'

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Dave Snavely checks in the week with this one.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs or sausage?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a Harley, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

November 2008 - Week 3

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Wednesday December 31, 2008 - 05:28am (EST) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

The 60s hits

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Jeff Kramer seems to ge taking "Getting older" in stride.

The 60s hits are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include: Herman's Hermits 

Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely  Walker .. 

Ringo Starr 

I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees 

How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

. 

Bobby Darin 

Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack 

The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash 

I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon 

Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver. 

The Commodores 

Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye 

Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem 

A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer 

You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations 

Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba 

Denture Queen. 

Tony Orlando 

Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy 

I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. 

Leslie Gore 

It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To. 

And an all time favorite: 

Willie Nelson 

On the Commode Again.

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WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

November 2008 - Week 3