Friday 10 July 2009

King Arthur and the Witch

King Arthur and the Witch

Dave Snavely sent this one in and if he's right, I'm in a lot of trouble.....!

This is bizarre -- after you find the guy -- it's so obvious. Once you find him --
it's embarrassing, and you think, Why didn't I see him immediately?

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!! Your reading comprehension is for sure lacking ?

And, yes, the man is really there!!!

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I like this one sent in by Skip Bell.

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answ er a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down >p>

The moral is.....?

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly!!!

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Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock the mystery as to why their wives who accepted them as they were before they got married, subtly and with determination began the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows were exchanged.

Finally, the riddle was solved. A social-scientist arrived at a simple and logical conclusion.

When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn.

Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: aisle, altar, hymn, begins.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: aisle, altar, hymn. . . aisle, altar, hymn. . . aisle, altar, hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is completed.

She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks: "I'll alter him."

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source

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

April 2008 - Week 3

http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM

Wednesday October 8, 2008 - 05:11am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments

They were together in the House.Just the two of them.

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Now we'll hear from Wayne Paddack.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87,were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 yearold had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said"Well,I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So,on the way home,the 80 year old stops at the bakery.As he was looking around,the lady asked if he needed any help.He said,"Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"
She said,"Yes,there's a whole shelf of it.Would you like some?" He said,"I want 5 loaves.
She said,"My goodness,5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,it'll be hard"

He replied,"I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this crap but me."

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Good to hear from Dave Snavely.

THE BACK PEW

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, 'Children are a gift from God,' he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

And the congregation said, 'Amen'

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Here's one from Dan Horn that is way to familiar to me.

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.

'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.

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Thanks to Tony Mosciki for sending this one to us.

The Banana Test Bunch Of Bananas

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe and a Squirrel who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully ... Try to answer within 30 seconds.
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is:
Lion = you're a dumbass.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS!!!!!

Obviously, you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year.

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I like this one sent in by Charles Murowski.

 It was my first time ever

And I'll never forget

I'd do it again  Without a single regret.

The sky was dark

The moon was high

We were all alone

Just she and I.

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were blue

I knew just what

She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers

Down her spine.

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

I started by placing

My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear

My fast beating heart

But slowly she spread

Her legs apart.

And when I did it

I felt no shame

All at once

The white stuff came.

At last it's finished

It's all over now

My first time ever

At milking a cow...

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They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night.

The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across s the room and admired his strong appearance...

and wished that he would take her in his arms,

comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out...

She scre amed...

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and

expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on...

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand..

So consumed were they in their

FEAR

that they heard no opening of doors...

just the faint click of a camera.......

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This one comes in from Tom Witter.

Of course, I'm too young to remember these!
Takes you back!

Comments made in the year 1955!

That's only 53years ago!

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'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

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source:

http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

July 2008 - Week 3

Sunday October 5, 2008 - 10:29pm (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments

COFFEE BREAK

[Army Rangers] COFFEE BREAK

Been up since two this morning. at two decided to get up and enjoy a cup of coffee and contemplate the meaning of life.
1. Your not as young as your brain tell you.
2. When you dream, you are never old in them, and for some reason, you are almost always in the Army.
3. You are always kickin' ass in the dreams.
4. good thing about dreams, you can always wake up.
Dreams always fade fast after you wake up unless they are a bad trip, and then they can take forever to fade.
Four thirty, and time for a refill (the pot).
Have to go hook up the bush hog to the tractor in a little while, and when I finish hoggin' I've got to put some siding on the barn. (Winter is coming you know). Went up to check on one of my ponds, and saw a big water moccasin. Lucky for Mr. No Shoulders, I didn't have my shotgun. Sure he's still there, so I'll take a little mosey up there and hang out for a while. Bears and lions are coming back into this area. Wouldn't mind having a big kitty for a watch dog.
Tom
A/75th

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

SOURCE:

[Army Rangers] COFFEE BREAK

Monday, August 25, 2008 4:30 PM

From:

"Tom Brizendine"

Add sender to Contacts

PIX-SOURCE:

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Heres another scary one sent in by Willie Sybert.

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source

http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM

WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

February 2008 - Week 3

BOOK 4 : LIVING

http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-oreXZDE5f6fpf2Pywea85fOR?p=272#comments

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Binh IV

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Sunday October 5, 2008 - 10:19pm (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Patience and Wisdom.............

Heres another Blond joke from Dave Snavely.

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said
the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're

going at night!'

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It certainly is good to hear from Skip Bell.

Go Cowboys!

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Thanks to Jeff Kramer for sending this one in.

One of the greatest secrets of Life is having both

Patience and Wisdom.............

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Heres one from Jorge Esquilin.

New "Welcome to Florida" campaign.

Sunday October 5, 2008 - 10:07pm (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Where in the hell did we go wrong?

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Danny Slaughter is Learning more about ageing. BB

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever You are hot and sweaty.. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit: shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age, you might do the following:

In your 20s : Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know -- you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age, and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror, and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out of the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you are not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80s : Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart.. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

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Tony Moscicki is keeping me busy!