- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-
John Termini says this joke is for men only, so Ladies, please just skip over this one.
Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
********************************************************
This comes in from Dan Thompson. An oldie but goodie.
A papa mole, a mama mole, and
a baby mole all live together
in a little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air
and said, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head
out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said,
"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"
Now baby mole is trying
to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way.
This makes him whine,
MOLASSES!
********************************************************source:
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
January 2008 - Week 3
Tags: | Edit Tags Monday January 21, 2008 - 04:53pm (ICT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments- who they tellin and damned if they're not right...get ready to laugh
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This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
** AND A FOOTNOTE ...THERE IS NO RETIREMENT!!
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do...
or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.SOURCE
Date: Thu, 10 Jan 2008 13:08:02 -0800 (PST) From: "iris barrera"
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FERNY is your Friend.
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http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-K.AQUSs5f6co9vdE4WM4Te2Y?p=98
Binh VII
Thursday October 9, 2008 - 04:27am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments - the best way to attract a man is with your eyes
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*******************************************
I THINK HER EYES ARE BROWN - WHAT YOU THINK ? Charles Murawski
Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes.
That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied.
If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys.
Then again, I could be wrong . . . . .
*******************************************
Alan Benoit is going to get one of these for the back of his truck!
Someone has finally made an orthopedic bed just for MEN.
Available only at 'Butts, Boobs and Beyond
*******************************************
John Verino really appreciates his Grandmother.
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"And always remember this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft Scottish voice.
"Makes your dick look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
*******************************************
Rob Ferguson is ready to give us another one of his talks about growing up.
WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
*******************************************
Some good advice from Dave Snavly.
Beware!!!!!!!
Wal-mart is selling lounge chairs made in China,
and the plastic is very very cheap and thin.
Purchase at your own risk. ****
****
****
****
****
Those cheap Wal-Mart chairs.
Don't buy them.
source:
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
March 2008 - Week 1
Thursday October 9, 2008 - 04:13am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments - This is a true story
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Sent in by Tony Moscicki.A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try This little experiment:
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you!
**************************************
Now that Tony has made his wife mad at him, he needs to find a way to get back into her good graces.
Found in a Montana History Book
If you were around there in 1919
(just before prohibition started)
The following poster was published.....
I mean seriously, Would you quit drinking? (I think you may be in a lot of trouble Tony!!)
**************************************
Wayne Paddack continues with is "Ageing" lessons.
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'****************************
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'**************************************
I received this one from about 5 of you. Great brains think alike!
Happy Halloween!!
You've been Mooned!!
One rule to this game....
You can NOT get someone who has already gotten you!
Now...
go out there and get as many people as you can,
before they get you!
I got you first! and you can't get me back!
Nanee - Nanee - Nanee!
(hehe)We do not stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing.Never Be The First To Get Old!!!!!
**************************************
Speaking of Halloween, heres one sent in by Wilbur Meyer.
**************************************
Hey Everybody, Smokey must be feeling better!! Welcome back Smokey!
I have good news and bad news.
First, the bad news:
"We're being invaded by Martians.
And now, the good news:
They eat politicians and pee gasoline.
**************************************
George Villinova sent this one in.
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building Materials for his home. She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the Wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that Straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be darned!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room
**************************************
How about this one from Dan Thompson.
Two Mexican businessmen in Tijuana were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked
'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically,
'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,
'You doing velly well, only two left!
**************************************
Here is Dan Horn's entree for this week.
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home
when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down ! around his ankles, the old gent asked,'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
**************************************
Rob Ferguson has a good one to share with us.
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood there looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole.....it's three-fifteen in the morning!'
**************************************
Charles Murawksi has found it!
This is the essence of cruelty!
How to be cruel to old guys:
AARP Eye Chart
**************************************
source
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK1.HTM
Thursday October 9, 2008 - 02:41am (EDT) Permanent Link | 0 Comments - EYE CHART
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Here are some Bumper stickers sent in by Karl Listl.
********************************************************
I think George Villanueva has been doing some deep thinking again.
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.Good Food Law
The better something tastes, the greater the probability that it is bad for you.********************************************************
I didn't know that Tony Moscicki had a cruel streak in him...
How to be cruel to old guys:
EYE CHART********************************************************
Ladies, I want you all to know that I had nothing to do with the creation of the following.
But I know who did, and for a small amount of money, I will provide you with is name,
address, and phone number. Anything collected will be donated to the "Order of the Silver Rose".Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.********************************************************
source:
http://www.quarterhorsecav.org/WEEK3.HTM
WELCOME TO OLE' BILL'S WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
June 2008 - Week 3
Friday 10 July 2009
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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